Break the record #4: how i'm feeling now - Charli XCX

Written in 5 weeks with the help of the fans, how i'm feeling now is Charli's best album so far

No one likes it when I write about music, guess I just haven’t figured out a way to keep you guys engaged with what I’m saying just yet but that doesn’t mean I’m about to shut the fuck up.

I was watching the documentary about how i’m feeling now last night and it made me danse and cry, reminisce about quarantine and virtual parties with friends. I was an angel at the time, but not so deep in the fandom to be a part of the creative process for the album, hell, I didn’t even know there was a charil xcx fandom at that point. I was too busy reading War and fucking Peace (which is bullshit btw don’t read it) to be a part of this. I deeply regret it.

However, in retrospect, I connect to this album on a deeply intimate album. On this record, Charli is more vulnerable than she has ever been before, talking about mental health, insecurity, missing her friends, and missing partying. I deeply related to this at the time of the record, which I listened to on release day like an average human and I still go back to it once a month when I’m feeling in a sad dance party mood.

I don’t trust myself at all, why should you trust me?

This album was for and by the fans, a unique creative process that has Charli sharing demos and unmixed versions of songs with fans, letting them help with lyrics with production, and sharing the full album live on Zoom during a release party.

She was often live on Zoom and Instagram sharing the creative process behind the album, and I highly recommend you to watch the documentary to get it because I didn’t get how close you get to Charli in this album until now.

Brat is where she exploded to superstardom, yes, but how i’m feeling now is her baring her soul to the fans, on songs like Enemy, she talks about her lover as an enemy, but as herself as her worst enemy too and not in a cringey Tumblr 2010 way where we were all self-harming for cool factors (sad but true), but in a raw and honest way we can all relate to. When haven’t we looked at someone we love, someone who knows us better than anyone else, and seen our own flaws reflected back at us in their eyes, unable to shake the feeling that they can see all of these flaws?

maybe you’re my enemy,

you’re the only one who knows the way I’m really feeling

At the core, it’s a dance record you can put on in the background at parties with everyone’s head bopping along, sure, but the lyrics are deep and honest. I didn’t understand at the time my emotional attachment to this record, why I kept going back to it over and over again as someone who likes more tech-heavy dance sounds like Brat. But this is the more introspective Brat, this is the inside of the Mean Girl Charli describes on her latest record.

Cause lately I finally understand,

that maybe this feeling that I’ve found

might kill me, put me in the ground.

This is the album I’ll put on when I’m by myself reading, introspecting, journaling, writing, when I need to get inside of my head, whereas Brat is for when I need all this energy to go out in a bombastic way.

Then you have songs like Anthems, where all this introspective energy needs to leave your body and dance, where it feels like if you don’t dance, you’ll die. You have songs like Party 4 u, where the bridge is reminiscent of a Taylor Swift bridge based on how screamable it is.

how i’m feeling now is for those times when you’re alone, reminiscing about the good times you’ve had with your friends, with a glass of wine by your side your vape in your other hand, and you’re dancing it out in the dark half naked in your favorite t-shirt. I wrote an article about party for one, and this is the album for party for one.

This is the album that says, I’m lucky to have the people I have in my life, the album that says, I’m not doing well mentally but dancing will help, the album that says, I’m not well, but I know I have been, and will be again.

From Marseille with Love,

*Vapes away*