Substack is a social media you cunt

'I'm deleting instagram and tiktok and spending less time on my phone' we say collectively in notes, the new substitute to twitter

It’s my first time experiencing the new year on substack and I gotta say I’m disappointed. I’ve been doing a massive subscribing cleanup, unsubscribing from newsletters I found underwhelming apart from a couple of articles because every single person is writing a 2025 ins and outs list, more stupid than the next.

I don’t wanna read that you’re going to put on some lo-fi jazz to read Sally Rooney with a 40$ scented candle lit up next to your urban outfitter clean sheets. Not to be a hater, but that’s between you and the gods, and when we said ‘Let’s get off our phones and delete Instagram’ it wasn’t to post an insipid newsletter with details you should only share with your therapist.

Yes, this is a sequel to a sequel of a sequel, the fourth installment in my infamous substack series where I, your meta-host, will discuss trends on substack I despise because yes, I am a hater at birth (why did you think this blog was named Badmouthing) and I whistle slow walkers on the street because I’m a fearless menace. Moving on.

I love this community, I say through clenched teeth as another newsletter does another Christmas gift guide but this time it’s for it girls, or is it lit girls? Wait, wasn’t it cool girls? I don’t even know anymore. Stop with the gift guides, I didn’t come here to read your Amazon wishlist but your takes on current events and pop culture feminomenon. (Yes I love Chappell and no I don’t have a pseudo hot take to make off her name, leave the woman alone).

I’m a deep believer that the internet is what you make of it. If you spend your time brain rotting to trade wives on tiktok and girls rushing their freshmen year of college and watching shein hauls and makeup hauls and book hauls and hot takes on Sally Rooney being a fake communist and oh my god did you read White Nights by Dosto? Isn’t it like soooo good? If that’s what you spend your time online doing then that’s your problem, don’t put it on the rest of us.

Don’t go complaining on notes that your screen time is so high so you deleted social media off your phone only to complain about it on another social media. SUBSTACK IS A SOCIAL MEDIA YOU CUNT. YOU CAN LIKE THINGS, REPLY TO THINGS, COMMENTS, WATCH VIDEOS, LISTEN TO PODCASTS. READ. IT IS SOCIAL MEDIA. If I see another note about this, I will go off the rails and insult the person because I can’t whistle at them from a distance. I’m a great whistler but not that great.

I personally am never on notes, never on Instagram, and only on tiktok when I’m taking a shit because that’s my swipe time. It used to be Tinder, I learned that tiktok is as healthy as it’s going to get for me. I spend my time between JSTOR, Wikipedia, and video essays on YouTube because that’s how I want to spend my time. My screen time is high, but you don’t see me whining about it on social media. I’m not Ironic by Alanis Morissette coded. Mama didn’t raise a little bitch, she raised a massive whore with micro bangs and a superiority complex.

The point of this is, that Substack is a marvelous place where great minds come to read and write, but also less than spectacular minds have come to this place, taken a diarrhea-filled shit, and called it writing because Substack has become the new cool app to be on, post-TikTok. Everyone is becoming a writer because they’re so Didion at Vogue coded.

I’m going to say something incredibly controversial, I’m getting bathed in controversy, a midnight swim in the middle of the winter sea, but writing your thoughts on your notes app doesn’t make you a writer. Having peaked in middle school when you were reading Hunger Games & Percy Jackson doesn’t make you Sylvia Plath. Try sticking your head in your oven, and then we’ll see about that fig tree.

Was that violent? I’m sorry, was I mean? Too mean? Did I speak too loudly? In the newsletter that I write, on my blog? If you read me to get angry, go ahead, and write me a mean little comment on your silly little keyboard, it’ll give me some masturbating material.

To be clear, I’m not angry, that’s just me being bored of the content I’m seeing on this app where I’ve made a home for myself. When I’m bored, I get chummy.

From Marseille with Love

*vapes away*